My brain feels like soup. A mushy, semi-chunky, rather congealed then stewed gray mass. It could have something to do with the fact that it has been baking in 98 degree heat the past two days out on site. It is being tempered with a cheese [vege] burger in paradise and a cold draft beer. No pickle. That sounds gross right now.
"That which we manifest is before us;
we are the creators of our own destiny.
Be it through intention or ignorance,
our successes and our failures have been brought on
by none other than ourselves"
- Garth Stein
Indeed I say. However, it isn't until reality hits you, that you can begin to comprehend what that manifestation really is. That what you wished for really does come true. Like the genie's warning, wishes are different in the daylight. Perhaps that is why all those wishes on stars never come true. (And a good thing, or I would be overrun with cats and greyhounds and infatuated men.)
I swear this all has a point (maybe). What I am coming to is a really good thing. Apparently it is just taking awhile to get there. This is my last night living as a loner. Living alone (aside from cat, who is currently scooping breadcrumbs off my plate and into her mouth). Daily undergoing the chance that I will die and no one will know until the neighbors complain about the smell (slight exaggeration). The boy is moving down!! After many months of looking and trying and hoping and praying, he finally got recognized for all the hard work he puts in and was requested for this position! I am ridiculously proud. Proud is not quite the right word; I can't think of a better one right now. But it is everything we have been hoping for, and the path that started 7 years ago is now taking its next turn.
Hence change. I have never been the kind of person to imagine what their life would be like with another person. Not to say I didn't want to find a person to share it with, but I never dreamed up a wedding when I was a kid, children have never been a priority, I didn't let being single or by myself keep me from doing what I wanted. On the contrary, I often embraced the ability to drop and go do whatever I wanted. Although having the cat kept me from some of that (cats don't like to go unfed, mind you), it was always a possibility. Once the reality of being one of a pair sinks in, it changes the way you view your world.
I am incredibly lucky to be with someone who views the world much as I do, with his own take on it at the same time. He teaches me how to relax and enjoy just being. I encourage him to get out and see all the adventures the world has to offer. But now onto that next step of seeing and being with and accepting someone every day, just as they are. Little by little I've had to get used to his furniture sitting next to mine. Different sheets being used on the bed with non-matching pillowcases. His smell permeating the clothes in the closet. Meat in the refrigerator.
We've been anticipating this for so long that I think I am glad it finally made the sudden jump forward. I am excited and nervous. How am I going to react to another person's habits and presence? How is he going to react to mine? Having known each other so long, there aren't (I don't think) too many surprises, but I won't find that out for sure until the coming days and months. I have to tolerate cable TV. He has to tolerate my cat. I have to learn how to cook meat (Aunt Sally, help!), he has to learn how to cook vegetables. I have to deal with more dirty clothes to wash. He has to live without a dishwasher.
But when it all comes down to it, for all the questions, the joys, the anxieties, I come back to this:
"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves.
Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you
because you would not be able to live them now.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will, gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Marie Rilke
So ready or not, here I go, living the questions.
Labels: change, quotes, thoughts