Anyone who knows me well knows that I am close to being a professional worrier. A declaration of all my current worries would just be a repeat of my journal for the past two weeks and I don't think I have the energy for that right now. Todd is the exact opposite and is of the persuasion that he will figure it out when the time comes or the occurence happens, whereas I feel like I am drowning without a plan.
I recently admitted (wish I could say discovered but that would be a big fat falsehood) that I plan partially as a self-defense mechanism. If I have a plan then I don't have to worry about feeling alone or like I don't have enough friends or am liked enough, ect, ect (enter other self-pitying thoughts here).
I have never been the type to have a lot of friends or be popular or uber-outgoing and instead of accepting that as my personality - and a damn fine one - I would use it against myself to convince myself that there was something wrong with me. I stayed busy to keep myself from spinning around in those thoughts. Slowly those nagging feelings have seeped away, but sometimes I wonder if they are just hiding under the rug, just out of sight, waiting until I sit down or close my eyes with no one around to vaporize once more. Worry.
There was a point to this when I began. I forget now. Regarding friends maybe? Often I feel like maybe I don't have enough friends, enough people to call on a weekend, enough to fill out a party. What else can I do to get more?? But then I realize, it's not about the quantity or comparing my cell phone list or facebook messages to anyone else, but about the quality of myself I give to those people who I do consider friends. Honestly, I am tired of trying to make new friends. I miss the ones I have! The ones who live across the country, down the street, in my hometown. The ones who I grew up with and haven't called in 3 months, the ones that live 2 blocks away that I haven't seen since the summer. Always excuses. And always a new kind of worry.
I saw this quote today on Ordinary Courage:
Rather than worrying about new friends, it is more important to be myself with the ones I have and embrace them, nurture our friendships. When new ones come along, cherish them too, but like the saying goes, keep the old. And try to stop worrying about being good enough. Because I am enough.
Labels: friends, worry