Day at a time

Lately I have been undergoing excrutiating bouts of lay on the floor, clutching soul, hysterical rounds of sobbing.  I dread every coming day.  My eyes are constantly puffy.  I am in a state of continuous anxiety and can barely eat.  It has been so long since I felt like this that I can hardly remember how I ever came out of it.  Tears are clouding my vision and making typing difficult.  A lot (most - nearly all) is work-related and I am too terrified to have the conversations I need to in order to be able to try to fix it.  Fortunately I have a very good mentor who understands the pressure and stretch I am under, but she can't fix the tug-of-war I feel that I am constantly under.  I just want to curl up and disappear.  I just have to make it through 4 more days and then get a nice break at my parents' house for 6 days, which is the only place I want to be when everything feels like it is up in flames.  I hate worrying others with my feelings and I know they all have stresses of their own, which makes me feel all the worse about mine.  I feel weak that I can't handle it as well as everyone else.  And then I cry some more.  I miss my best friend/soulmate and the time we had this weekend.  Which makes me cry more. 

So I drink hot honey-water and listen to some Emmy Lou Harris, and maybe ignore my application for the 12 zillianth time and curl up in bed with the cat and wait until it passes.....

Labels: ,